Tag: Challenging – Disposable

Bad News Bears

Bad News Bears has moments, but it’s no Matthau masterpiece. –October 31, 2024 VERSUS

Tank Girl

Weird and unsteady, Tank Girl shows how style can’t overcome poor narrative thinking. –September 30, 2024

The Matrix Resurrections

Keanu Reeves is the boyfriend we all want, but even he can’t save The Matrix Resurrections from being a third unnecessary sequel to one of cinema’s paradigm-shifting masterworks. –August 31, 2024

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire aspires to, and is, passable entertainment for a slow weekend spent coiled in front of the TV. –July 31, 2024

Under Paris

Under Paris enters Jaws in the 2024 Summer Olympics, but it’s a real qui coule merde (runny turd). –July 31, 2024

Grease 2

Regularly listed among the worst movies ever made, Grease 2 earns its low regard, even with Adrian Zmed doing his best John Travolta. –May 31, 2024

Road House

After coasting along for 45 minutes, Road House slogs through a wall of stupid. –May 31, 2024

The Boys in the Boat

Repetitive, obvious, and self-serious, The Boys in the Boat is a wasteful bore. –December 31, 2023

Wonka

Within one minute, I disliked Wonka. Because I bought a regular-price ticket, I also got to regret my choice for the next 115 minutes. –December 31, 2023

Sound of Freedom

Sound of Freedom ends with a tween rape victim banging on a drum under the eye of a modern Rambo. No, says I. –December 31, 2023

The Faculty

Assume you missed seeing The Faculty because life got in the way. When you finally do see it, you may wish life had gotten in the way again. –October 31, 2023

Evil of Dracula

Stoker’s monster is the basis for Evil of Dracula, wherein vampires enter present-day Japan. It’s not good, but it is a curious entry into the cycle of 1970s nostalgic horror movies.  –October 31, 2023

Lou

Imagine the pitch meeting: let’s re-make The Equalizer with Oscar-winner Allison Janney. Ignore the algorithm if Lou comes up next. It’s terrible. –September 30, 2023

Claire’s Camera

Claire’s Camera has partisans who love filmmaker Hong Sang-Soo. I’m not among them. –September 30, 2023

65

Adam Driver’s glorious mane co-stars in 65, a silly, counterfactual story of aliens crashing to Earth one day before the dinosaurs were killed by a meteor. And you’ll root for the meteor. –July 31, 2023

Cabin Boy

Cabin Boy is high art to people that love David Letterman. But I’m not one of them. –June 30, 2023

In the Heart of the Sea

Add up the source behind Moby Dick, Chris Hemsworth as a natural brunette, one big white whale, and BOOM, a likable hit, right? No. In the Heart of the Sea is emotionally flat and kind of a slog. –June 30, 2023

AV: The Hunt

The New York Times praised five non-American action movies. I tried one out: AV: The Hunt. I’m filled with regret. –May 31, 2023

The Mother

You start The Mother hoping it will work. But it doesn’t as a Bond-ian/Wick-ian/Reacher-ian actioner starring a woman, although J Lo’s locks look terrific. –May 31, 2023

2000 Mules

2000 Mules is not about animal husbandry. –April 30, 2023

Lila & Eve

Lila & Eve is about a ghost and a mourning mother. Neither role serves Davis or Lopez well.   –March 31, 2023

Monster-in-Law

I wanted to like Jane Fonda being mean to J Lo, but Monster-in-Law is crummy.  –March 31, 2023

Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge

See Pauly Shore in a Morgan Fairchild IP about a fire victim-turned-vigilante in Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge. Joe Bob Briggs played it in a double feature. ‘Nuff said. –February 28, 2023

Jurassic World: Dominion

It’s so bad it hurts. Avoid Jurassic World: Dominion, save for a handful of images of dinosaurs herded alongside modern mammals. –January 31, 2023

Rumor Has It

Re-imagining The Graduate as an account of actual love affairs is why Rumor Has It made a great preview and a crummy movie. –December 31, 2022

Bullet Train

Bullet Train nearly takes all the fun out of a stunt showcase, save for the supporting duo of Tangerine and Lemon that dig this mess out of the dust bin of history. –December 31, 2022

Sing 2

Sing 2 is so bad that it doesn’t even wink at us to acknowledge that we know it knows we know it’s a jukebox musical about animals doing community theater. –September 30, 2022

Cemetery Man

Cemetery Man is a cult film because Rupert Everett is beautiful, but it’s really quite awful. –September 30, 2022

Henry and June

If you think Henry & June is porn, it’s really a tedious and polyamorous travelogue through bohemian Paris in the 1920s, and it’s our first NC-17 movie.  –September 30, 2022 er=’true’]

Samaritan

Stallone was box office gold. Now he’s a legacy name promoting garbage like Samaritan. –September 30, 2022

Battleship

Battleship is a movie. It’s not good but time passes. Explosions.  –May 31, 2022

Caligula

“Although I have taken the form of Gaius Caligula, I am all men as I am no man and therefore I am a God.” –May 31, 2022

Tenet

Tenet is a nifty gimmick that carries no weight. Some dress it up as genius, but I think it’s a misspent fortune. –April 30, 2022

God’s Not Dead

Garrett Chaffin-Quiray and Ed Rosa get Churched?  –March 31, 2022

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1 applies multi-culturalist principles to super predators so we can wallow in platitudes while beautiful people listen to emo pop. –February 28, 2022

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 finishes the coming of age of Bella, as she finds true love with Edward, so their little girl can be groomed by Jacob the werewolf.  –February 28, 2022

Twilight

Twilight is an excessively banal book devoted to teen yearning. The movie adaptation adds two handsome male performers to the central teen girl, and we see the birth of the global brands Bella, Jacob, and Edward. –February 28, 2022

Tomb Raider

The AI from Ex-Machina seeks her Daddy, a cop from The Wire, because one of the baddies from Justified wants something hidden in a crypt. Say “no’ to Tomb Raider, a nothing burger of female athleticism and CGI noise. –January 31, 2022

Hobo with a Shotgun

Garrett Chaffin-Quiray and Ed Rosa agree that bad can mean good, and good can mean good, but sometimes bad means bad and not good. –January 31, 2022

Home Sweet Home Alone

Home Sweet Home Alone updates a bad movie that children love and softens the blow by casting Ellie Kemper and Rob Delaney as good parents in a time of material insecurity. It’s not Marxism on Disney+, but you may want your 93 minutes back when it’s done. –December 31, 2021

Artemis Fowl

Eoin Colfer began writing books to satisfy an urgent need to tell stories. One of them started a franchise, made his fortune, and earned him a place at the apex of YA publishing. Then Disney made a movie, and Artemis Fowl is terrible. –October 31, 2021

Rolling Vengeance

Rolling Thunder is Canada’s contribution to the vengeance actioner that finally yielded Roadhouse, a Hollywood masterpiece. –September 30, 2021

The Tomorrow War

Subtract everything good from the Tom Cruise trilogy of War of the Worlds, Oblivion, and Edge of Tomorrow and you get The Tomorrow War, which too many people think is fine entertainment, although it does feature a poignant father-daughter theme. –July 31, 2021

Without Remorse

Combine Jack Reacher: Never Go Back, the lesser portion of Jack Reacher, with the always-extraordinary Michael B. Jordan in Without Remorse and what do you get? A woke hero in a sea of nothing. –May 31, 2021

Army of the Dead

“What if, just once, we did something for us?” –May 31, 2021 ue’]

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is better than its prequel, although it’s still quite bad, which is why Kevin Feige now manages the MCU so Chris Evans and Jessica Alba don’t have to watch Michael Chiklis gnaw at his makeup. –May 31, 2021

Fantastic Four

Fantastic Four is so bad it got a sequel. How? Chris Evans plays Tony Hawk on fire, and Jessica Alba updates the blonde comic book heroine as a non-white scientist. You may want to like it, but you shouldn’t. –May 31, 2021

Cimarron

“In 1889, President Harrison opened the vast Indian Oklahoma Lands for white settlement.” Described as being, “Terrific As All Creation”, Cimarron is a slight movie important only for having won the 4th Academy Award for Best Production, a title since re-named Best Picture. Now almost unwatchable, save for its sweeping vistas and set design, the movie’s empire building… Continue reading Cimarron

300: Rise of an Empire

“Better we show them, we chose to die on our feet, rather than live on our knees!” I like 300. I’ve seen it many times and afterwards I often want to get in a fight (and win, naturally). I’ve even taught 300 as an example of good screenwriting, as a depiction of masculine anxiety, and as a showcase… Continue reading 300: Rise of an Empire

Wonder Woman 1984

Wonder Woman 1984 is a load of bunk wrapped in CGI millions. –January 31, 2021

Klaus

I saw Klaus and liked it fine. Now I can’t remember why. –December 31, 2020

Jingle Jangle

Sometimes the purpose behind making a creative work is better than the work itself. For evidence, see Jingle Jangle, in which POC take the lead in a Christmas spectacular that isn’t. –December 31, 2020

Secret Society of Second-Born Royals

Disney movies are predictable, multi-cultural, youth-oriented, and disposable. We used to call this fluff a B-movie. Now Secret Society of the Second-Born Royals is COVID fodder. –November 30, 2020

3 Ninjas

As saccharine as you might think, twice as bad, and still passes time: 3 Ninjas. –November 30, 2020

Mulan

COVID hurt the release of a live action Mulan, which gave us time to remember the older animated version that’s shorter, funnier, and more enjoyable. –September 30, 2020

Mamma Mia!

Take 1: Some musicals belong on stage; some on camera. Others are best as 1970s-era ear worms: Mamma Mia! Take 2: Garrett Chaffin-Quiray and Sheila Chaffin reflect on Peak Streep, or a mother/son study of womanhood. –September 30, 2021

Ghost in the Shell

The live-action Ghost in the Shell is lame in the same way people say, “I’m okay,” when asked, “How are you doing?” –April 30, 2020

Rambo: Last Blood

Rambo: Last Blood: the worst part is I watched through the end credits. –April 30, 2020

Rock & Rule

Rock & Rule: or how bad it is when you add (The Secret of Nimh + Heavy Metal + Debbie Harry) and divide by (Ralph Bakshi – Harvey Pekar).  –February 29, 2020

Theodore Rex

Avoid Theodore Rex. Whoopi Goldberg is on record saying she regrets making it, but for a lawsuit that won’t give you back even one minute of 92 you can spend moving closer to death. –February 29, 2020

Terminator: Dark Fate

In Terminator: Dark Fate, Sarah Connor survives T2, but another T-1000, played by Ah-nold, kills her son. Then she meets a Mexican woman, the new JC when your stopwatch decides to kill you. It’s way sillier than it sounds. –February 29, 2020

The Lion King

Photorealistic CGI animals look cool, but they can’t act. Even J. Earl J. reprising his role as The Lion King is a stupid waste of time. –January 31, 2020

The Last Airbender

I wish The Last Airbender was worse so I could hate it. As it is, we know, definitively, that M. Night Shyamalan breaks wind. –January 31, 2020

Star Wars: Episode IX – The Rise of Skywalker

I sat up in my seat and hooted and refused deep thoughts on my way to thoroughly and embarrassingly enjoying The Rise of Skywalker. Side note: did you know that overriding C-3PO’s hard drive is easier than unlocking an iPhone? –December 31, 2019

The Big Race

Sometimes you watch older movies out of curiosity. Sometimes you do this with friends. And sometimes you sit through The Big Race by Blake Edwards. Read Wikipedia instead. –November 30, 2019

Wonder Park

The story of a daughter mourning her sick mother made me cry. Then Wonder Park kept going, and I had to watch it through to the end because I’d already paid the rental fee. –November 30, 2019

High School Musical 3: Senior Year

Disney TV programming mirrors Classical Hollywood. Like MGM in the 1940s HSM 3: Senior Year showcases highly polished props called “people” who sing and dance through a happy ending that’s hard to dislike because everything is so cheery. –September 30, 2019

The Little Mermaid

You know how Netflix is a great service for borrowing DVDs and Blurays, and often a brilliant source for original programming? There are exceptions, like The Little Mermaid, a live action re-telling of the fable starring King Peter of Narnia. –August 31, 2019

Aladdin

Will Smith’s Genie in the live action Aladdin reminds me how brilliant Robin Williams was. –May 31, 2019

The Golden Buddha

Imagine an Asian James Bond in the 1960s, and he travels through Thailand and Malaysia seeking The Golden Buddha so you don’t have to. Unless you sit for a HK movie marathon, this is something to know exists but can be safely returned to the shelf, unseen. –March 31, 2019

The Blind Side

Sandra Bullock got an Oscar for showing us how White Saviors are real when her sparky know-it-all makes a poor Black boy into a college graduate. The Blind Side. –February 28, 2019

James and the Giant Peach

“When I had a problem, my mom and dad would tell me to look at it another way.” When Roald Dahl published James and the Giant Peach in 1961, he was a Welshman in his middle 40s, married to the American actress Patricia Neal, and the father of three (they would eventually have five children together). He… Continue reading James and the Giant Peach

Beethoven

If Cujo enjoyed music, he would sing, “Duh, duh, duh, duhhhhh.” That’s a fifth of Beethoven, the least enjoyable of celebrated-composer biopics, although there is a really convincing Charles Grodin mask to keep up an illusion of fun. –November 30, 2018

Looking for Richard

“What’s this thing that gets between us and Shakespeare?” What, exactly, is Looking for Richard, the 1996 directorial debut-documentary of Oscar-Emmy-Tony winning actor Al Pacino?  First: Looking for Richard is Pacino’s sincere pursuit of the reasons why Americans don’t like William Shakespeare. Despite the fact that “Richard III,” the historical play Shakespeare wrote during the period 1592-1594, may… Continue reading Looking for Richard

Religulous

Bill Maher mocks God(s) in Religulous and then lets faithful people offer terrible origin stories. The best part is touring the Creation Museum.  –August 30, 2018

The Purge: Anarchy

Any sequel to a grinder risks failure, and failure is what The Purge: Anarchy achieves. We’re back in a parallel future where any crime goes, just one day a year, but the stakes are lower and less insightful in this first sequel to a charged home invasion original. –July 31, 2018

12 Strong

War porn for 2+ hours, 12 Strong is driven by the cowboy ethic of frontier violence, only this time set in Afghanistan right after 9/11 with a group of handsome dudes ready to kill. –June 30, 2018

The Jungle Book

The Jungle Book is a well-written, semi-racist story collection centered on human archetypes. Then it was weird ’60s cartoon. Now it’s a lame CGI re-tread with Idris Elba as the villain. Should be hubba-hubba. Instead: dumbadumba. –May 31, 2018

Gone Girl

Gone Girl is a miserable movie about miserable people based on a popular novel by Gillian Flynn. Just because David Fincher directed Flynn’s adapted script with Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike as co-stars does not elevate the material into something worth seeing.  –March 31, 2018

Blood and Roses

Modern people excite long-slumbering, nearby vampires. Death and investigations multiple, resulting in Blood and Rosesbeing neither scary, nor sexy, but an attempt to mix hi-low genre tropes that don’t stay in memory. –February 28, 2018

How I Learned to Love Women

How I Learned To Love Women : Cinema Quad Movie Poster

A rich ignoramus ventures into the world to better interpret women. Why? Because he wants to have sex. How I Learned to Love Women is a super low-stakes Italian comedy that’s better read about (just now) than actually seen. –February 28, 2018

"These are the words I said to you," sayeth the Curator, Garrett Chaffin-Quiray